Blog: When Is Baby Number Two?

Preface: It has taken me over 8 months to finally figure out how to get my thoughts into words and then into this blog and i’m still honestly unsure about what I typed below, so bare with me. Thankfully a few glasses of wine has made me brave enough to hit the “publish” button on this blog piece that has been sitting idle on this website since PRE-COVID times…yea, it’s been THAT long…

“When is baby number two?” A seemingly innocent and commonly asked question to young parents with one child. A question meant to ignite joyful conversation and spark excitement for what lies ahead. A simple question that unfortunately for me is a painful reminder of loss and sadness for a future that will never be.

You see, I never, EVER anticipated or expected to be a mom of one. It was just never on my radar. I always assumed I would have two, maybe three kiddos in tow as I sucked back my Starbucks while moseying through the isles of Target. Having dealt with infertility for a few years which resulted in countless invasive procedures, surgery and eventual IVF, I should have known that my emotional turmoil hadn’t fully come to an end. Even having had a perfectly successful pregnancy and flawless delivery of my daughter, the universe still decided to laugh at my blissfully cocky assumption that any and all future pregnancies would equally be a breeze.

After my round of IVF in 2017 I was left with three frozen embryos. The first transfer was a success and resulted in my amazingly smart and perfect little girl. I waited until my daughter was one and a half before transferring the second embryo and was overjoyed when I found out it was successful and I was pregnant with baby number two. My husband and I immediately told our family and close friends, started shopping and began converting our guest room into a nursery. You could imagine the total head-to-toe blindsiding sickness felt when there was no detectable heartbeat at our first ultrasound appointment and now instead of picking out what wall decor to hang in the nursery, i’m faced with deciding which method of removal I preferred- a pill or surgical extraction.

I never thought I would experience sadness deeper and darker than hearing the words “unexplained infertility” referred to my inability to become pregnant for so long,  but I did. One simple word- “miscarriage” decided to take the throne.

Miscarriage is worse. WAY worse. Unexplicably worse. My heart goes out to any woman who has dealt with a loss at any point in her pregnancy because it is truly an experience I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I always knew I would rather never become pregnant than to become pregnant and experience a loss because the pain would be so incredibly difficult to handle and I was most certainly correct in my assumption.

After taking a few months to focus on my mental and physical health, we decided it was time for our last and final embryo transfer. I did all the things- acupuncture, healthy diet, regular exercise and ensured I was mentally in a great place. Transfer day comes and goes and now we wait. We wait for the day that I can take that last and final pregnancy test which will tell me if I am pregnant. You would think that by now I TRULY wouldn’t just assume anything, but yet again, I did. I assumed I would immediately see two little pink lines and then just patiently and quietly wait it out until our 7 week ultrasound appointment, hoping to see a heartbeat on the monitor. Testing day is here and instead of two pink lines, it’s a big fat NEGATIVE. Surely this can’t be accurate. I’ll test again tomorrow. Yep, it was negative the next day as well. That bloodwork appointment at the doctors office to determine a successful pregnancy? Yea, that was also negative.

Negative. Negative. Negative.

Then here comes a dose of reality I never anticipated- You are now and forever a mom of one. Unlesssssss you want to spend another 15k+ to try IVF all over again, inject your body with hormones and go through all of the invasive procedures again just to hopefully not end in another miscarriage or negative pregnancy test result from the beginning. You have a 60% chance of success, after all!

Yea, no thank you. I think we’re done here.

There is such a deep, dark pool of emotions that flow over you once you realize you will no longer have another child. When your journey is over without YOU being the one to call it quits…such an incredible flood of emotions I never anticipated having…I suddenly find myself turning into a mental wreck when I hear or see new pregnancy announcements. I find myself becoming incredibly and deeply annoyed when a newly pregnant woman complains of morning sickness… I literally have to remind myself to STOP being resentful of others because they have something I want, but can’t have myself…

I also find myself thinking back to the newborn days wondering if I spent enough time taking in every second of those baby snuggles. Did I truly appreciate those sleepless nights walking and rocking a tiny newborn back to sleep in the early hours of the morning? Reminiscing about baby wearing and the last time I breastfed my daughter. Wondering if I would have cherished each second just a little more had I known it would be my final time- FOREVER. Did I TRULY take in each new little sound and facial expression? Did I cherish the excitement that comes with the first time she rolled over or when she took those first steps? Did I take the time to appreciate every little bit of what it is to watch your baby grow into a toddler?

I know, I know. Before I fall into a dark, deep pit of despair and continue on with the “poor me” talk, please know that I AM appreciative and so incredibly grateful to have my amazing daughter. I am deeply aware of how lucky I am to have had the wonderful pregnancy and delivery I experienced with her. I will forever cherish the memories of her early days and each moment we spend together as she grows up. I am blessed beyond measure to be her mother, which unfortunately also makes me feel as though I don’t have the right to grieve the two embryos that failed.

I feel like I am in a constant mind-fuck between mourning the siblings I will never be able to give my daughter while also being happy that our daily routine won’t be disrupted with the sleepless nights a newborn would bring. I find myself constantly listing off the benefits of having just one child: how much easier our lives are going to be, how many more opportunities my girl will have, how traveling will stay incredibly easy and inexpensive and most importantly, how I will be able to give her my full attention and focus.

I’m not sure how to end this or where to go, but one thing I do know is that I am completely head-over-heels in love with my perfect little family of three. While baby number two may never come, I can whole-heartedly say that I AM OKAY. I will be OKAY. Right now I might not be 100% okay, but i’m getting there….slowly.

Sometimes in life things just don’t play out like you would expect, want, or pray for. They just don’t and that is OKAY. You adjust to your new reality and you find the silver-lining in every situation. Give yourself grace, allow yourself time to grieve and then eventually move on because life is too short and unpredictable to spend it being beat up and broken over “what should have been.”

Oh, and if it takes you 8+ months to FINALLY find the right words to explain how what you went through made you feel, that’s okay too.

I am here for ANYONE that might need advice, a shoulder to cry on or just someone to vent to. Infertility sucks and miscarriage INCREDIBLY sucks. Unfortunately, infertility and I have become closer “friends” than I ever would have preferred, but at least I can provide help to others also going through it. If you need me, reach out. I am here and I am willing to help!

XO, Nikki